I figured with 40 looming (start saving now, my birthday is in October),
I should probably figure out what to do with my life.
At first I thought maybe I should try hand modeling,
*But decided there would be too much upkeep.
Plus sitting around on QVC for hours waving my hand in the air would get old, fast.
So then I thought about all these e-mails I've been getting from overseas.
I think I wrote about one a while back.
I thought this woman was coming onto me, when in reality, she was reaching out to me.
Like, for help.
Like, dating help.
I don't know why I've didn't understand then, but I do now.
I am supposed to be a matchmaker.
It hit me a few nights ago at the Paramount
while watching Harvey Firestein in
"The Fiddler On The Roof".
Yes, I'm going to be a "Shadchen".
You can call me "Shad" for short.
That is, if you're looking for love.
"Carrot, I thought they were called Yentas!"
Oh no, my friend.
A yenta is Yiddish for bitter, gossipy, Jewish woman.
If you know me at all, I'm not
We matchmakers are called, "Shadchens"
Here's a sample of letters I keep getting,
(Why Yahoo still sends them to my spam folder, I don't know.)
"Veronyka" wrote me this...
Subject: Privet!
Good day, my friend!
I'm not quite sure where to begin. Let me explain a little what I want in my life. I want someone to share my laughter, my fears, someone to listen, and to be there when I feel like the world is crashing down on me, and I want to give that same courtesy back to them in return. I don't want someone standing at my door waiting for me to get home, or around constantly, because that drives me absolutely crazy. Life is so nice and so short that we must enjoy every second of it as the beauty of the suroundings, friendly smiles in somebody's eyes and on lips. I don't like boring people and thong as I take a sanguine point of view of everything. So the sun always shines to me.
Veronyka
She gave me a website, but I'm pretty sure she meant to give me her e-mail address so I could contact her. Sometimes it's hard to understand when I don't have a translator.
I mean, I'm good at translating, but mostly just Michael McDonald songs.
I won't share the other letters people have written me until I have permission.
Plus I have to edit them.
Some of them share a little too much, if you know what I mean.
So maybe you can help me out as I launch my new career.
If you know anyone for "Veronyka"...you know- someone that has "friendly smiles" in their "eyes" and "on lips", shoot me an e-mail.
You never now, if I ever become famous, you might just get a piece of the pie.
Heck, they might even become famous if they have smiles on their lips.
I hear that's a rather rare condition.
*Not my real hand. My real one is too hideous to show.
9 comments:
"I don't like boring people and thong as I take a sanguine point of view of everything."
Meh, boring people aren't so bad in small doses, but thongs are no good, I tell ya.
er, huh?
I so enjoy your hand model pic. It reminds me of the last time I helped a cow give birth.
(which was never)
When you grow up, you should be a blogger who makes people happy.
Oh wait!
Oh, to be turning 40--I almost remember ; )
I'll save my money and maybe I could send you some rubber gloves to help you prepare for your hand modeling photo shoots--I just don't think I'll be able to save enough for a pedicure.
Wow. You would totally lose in a pick-off around here. What's a pick-off? A contest where upon one's picked bloody stubs of fingers are judged against another's and ranked according to a numerical system. The higher the number the worse the wound. Obviously the highest score is the winner. Looks like your score would be about a zero with your perfect little manicured nails. But I'm not bitter. And that needed a tmi alert.
I have a great idea!
We could hook all your lonely emailing women up with all the Nigerian princes that keep emailing me to hold their money for them.
LOL, Nathan...exactly!
That email is almost like poetry.
Beautiful, beautiful poetry.
You're so lucky Carrot.
Does she mean thong underwear or flip flop sandals, because if I am going to set her up with someone, that is an important distinction!
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