Wednesday, January 16, 2019

My What A Big Head You Have!

I'm not making a new post because I have something to say. No, only to push down John Tesh's extremely large head. It's a little scary. I hereby proclaim today (and today only) as Totally Tacky Thursday! Oh, I can hear you whining now, "I thought we only did that on Tuesdays! I was just getting used to it." Well my friends, sometimes we've got to mix things up so they don't get stale. Capicse? So, the following post is new to you. Unless, of course, you are Elizabeth, or Elastic. In that case, just pretend you've never read this, and make a comment telling me how clever I am.

*Warning* Scantily clad fat girls!




It's that time of year. Oh yes. It's swimsuit time. That season of the year when skinny, fat, and in between, parade half naked in front of each other while pretending not to care. Now if you're one of the skinny ones, you might be excited. "Oooh I lovvvve my swimsuit!" or "Yay! I get to go swimsuit shopping!" you might say. I personally lean toward the "Wonder if I'll even own a swimsuit this year" side. Last time I bought a swimsuit was 8 years ago when I was pregnant. It was purple, had a zipper, and looking back, I'm not sure why I bought this ugly of a suit. Last year I quietly threw it away. That's right, I am swimsuitless. I loathe the thought of buying a new one, because I know it's time for the dreaded swimsuit dress. That's right, the kind your grandma wore. I am no longer the svelte figure I once was. Four children, and 1 c-section later, throw in some junk food, and I have turned into a globby mess. So I turn to the internet, for if you're fat that's the perfect place to buy one. It comes in a box, delivered to your doorstep, and you can open it and try it on in the privacy of your home. No fat girl wants to go to a store and try on a swimsuit while the clerk is standing outside her door saying "how's it going in there?" What do you say? "Ah! Perfect! Thanks for asking!" then when you come out you hand her all your suits and she asks "How'd you do?" and I...uh...you say, "Okay, but I'm still going to look around" Trying to sound chipper, when what I...uh...you really want to do is throw my...yourself on the ground and cry, whilst eating a doughnut. The thing I'm trying to figure out is, why, when selling plus size swimsuits, do they model them on a size 8? I am smart enough to know that I will look nothing like "she" does in the same suit. I want to see fat people, modeling fat girl suits. Girls with big old hips, and sagging stuff. I want to relate to these models. A picture I can look at and say "Well, if SHE can wear that, then I can too!" While browsing the net, I did stumble upon a site that had themes for their suits. This ones called the pirate suit. Arrr. As you can see, she's making sure there's not another soul around before she proceeds cavorting down the shore...

Yes, you laugh, but I know that's what's going through her mind.
What is it with plus size swimsuit manneuqins with jewelry? Is this meant to distract people from the size and shape of your body? Yes, I may be fat, and look terrible in this suit, but LOOK at my necklace! Accessories for you swimsuit. As long as we're going down that path, let's just make a matching coat and pants to go with it. That way, if someone tells you to get your swimsuit on, you can say "Oh, I already have one on, see?" As you quickly flash them. Oh, and what's up with pools not letting you swim in anything other than a swimsuit? What's the harm in that? Growing up, the big rule at our public pool was "No cut offs!" Oooh...cut offs. DANGER! DANGER! Why? Is there a possiblity that someone could get their hair caught on the button of someones shorts? Why can't people swim in things other than things that resemble leotards? There are no overweight ballerinas. Why force them to wear these little things while swimming? Who made this rule, and why does everyone follow it?

28 comments:

Unknown said...

I'm impressed that you know how to spell capicse

Unknown said...

I wear a halter style tankini top and swimshorts when I go swimming. I think it looks less like underwear than a regular swimsuit.

Unknown said...

Oh...and very clever post. This is my first time to read it.

Carrot Jello said...

Annie, I was in a couple spelling bee's back in the day.
I'd be afraid to wear a tankini. I'd be scared the top would flip up and show me belly. Argh!

NOBODY said...

This post is hilarious. And entirely accurate.

And "sagging stuff" made me laugh out loud.

wendy said...

Board shorts are a girls best friend. I think wearing a swimsuit to the pool is even scarier than wearing one to the beach. Everyone keeps their distance at the beach, but at the pool you have to walk past the young lifeguards....and all those 15 year old girls...and only on an army post - lots of young soldiers swimming for P.T.... eeeek!

Super Happy Girl said...

"Yay! I get to go swimsuit shopping!". I have never ever said that in my whole life.

I do the same thing Annie does, tankini top and swim shorts.
This year however I feel like wearing a tent. A tent. Just make a hole on the top for my head, actually don't even make a hole, just sit inside my tent and not be bothered.

Kara said...

The only time I go swimming is to Mommy and Me class with toddler, so I don't have to worry about parading in front of teenagers or anything lol. All the moms understand each other when it comes to being half-dressed lol.

PS, I gave you a rocking girl blogger award on my blog :D

Sketchy said...

Shut up NCS of beautifulness, we all know the truth...well maybe not all of us, but enough us and the rest of us will take our word for it. I don't think they make tents that small anyway Miss Adorable.

Tankini's are the best though. They look cute and you can go potty with out doing the wet swimsuit wrangle. I think I'm going to look for some swim shorts though...clever girl that Annie.

Sketchy said...

Oh and thanks for pushing down JT's head...I appreciate that rally I do.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Ah, how well you articulate my feelings! I ordered from the sears catalogue this year. Haven't got the courage to try it on yet. I always get a full suit and then wear swim shorts over top.

wendela said...

I know it's time for a new suit this year. My old one has to be at least close to 10 years old and is threadbare. I may just go on in with shorts or something and see if the pool police arrest me. I can be daring like that, ya know.

Amanda said...

I vote for Tankini's too. Tankini's are nice. Especially when you have to go to the bathroom.

Anonymous said...

Drat! I hate when Blogger eats my comments, especially when I've managed to be somewhat witty.

I'll try again...

You've captured the ordeal perfectly! Thanks--I needed a laugh (especially after spending three days shopping with darling daughter--who is both fine and fit--trying to find a decent swimsuit. Her choices: Dora-the-Explora, positively skanky, or E-gads Dear! even my MIL wouldn't be caught dead in that!)!

Anonymous said...

p.s. I just noticed you just left a comment on my blog whilst I was commenting on your blog. It's like some cosmic blogger girl karma where we just brushed past each other in the blogosphere but didn't know it. I love when that happens! It makes me feel all warm and cuddly inside. Have a great day!

b. said...

How in the world did you find that picture of me.....I thought I'd burned all of them!
Thanks a bunch, Carrot. I WAS going to go to the beach this weekend. Although it is miles and miles away from home, what if the paparazzi follow me there and snap yet another unflattering photo of me for you to post.

Phae-Jae said...

Great post Carrot. Your photos crack me up.
Solid board shorts over swimsuit for this chubby chic.
We do all walk around mostly nakie and pretend we don't care. Weird humans.

The picture of John Tesh scared me a bit. When I was reading the bottom of your post I could see his forehead and eyes only.

Phae-Jae said...

Call me nuts, but I kinda like the red swimsuit. No, I am not going to wear one like that, I'm not.

Elizabeth-W said...

Just as great as last year!!! And still resonating with most of us (you twigs know who you are).
I've decided that while I don't like showing my thighs in public, and you know I have posted about this very issue more than once, I at least know my limits. Meaning, my suit covers my cleavage, and my skirt is long enough to cover any shaving rash.
At the pool yesterday I was amazed at how many people think that styles that would look good on 12 year old anorexics would also look good on people who are, well, not. In what realm of reality do people live in which they think a muffin roll or two or three and a teeny bikini is going to be appealing?

Carrot Jello said...

Nobody, Of course it's accurate. I know these things. P.S., when are you going to come out of the closet and tell us who you really are?

Carrot Jello said...

Whoops, I pressed enter before I finished. Silly me.
Wendy, Sadly fat people don't look good in board shorts. *sigh*
NCS, if I hear you say you don't look good in certain things anymore, I will personally beat you up. Yes, I will. EVERYTHING looks good on a size two. Everything.
Kara, I would never sign u p for a mom and me swim class. That would be embarassing to have to parade in front of other moms who lost all their baby weight. P.S. thanks for the award.
Sketchy, we need to give NCS a beat down together.
Kimberly, I've seen you. You don't need any shorts over your suit. That sounded creepy, didn't it?
Wendela, you're such a rebel.
Amanda, What? You never pee in the pool?
Compulsive, I actually found both my daughter modest swimsuits at Ross. It was a freaking miracle I tell you.
B., Hoss got my address through goodmail, and sent it. Sorry. It was too cute not to post.
PJ, YOu walk around nakie? You ARE brave!
Eilzabeth, At least I cover my muffin rolls.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I'm waiting on you, carrot, so we can form an organized protest and boycott Lane Bryant for their cleavage baring shirts. It's not just them, though. Every time I go to buy a fat woman shirt they're all V-neck. Like plunging V-neck. V-neck that have their big V points touching an area of my body that nobody is allowed outside my Papi and nursing babies. My mom says that they want to pull the old switcheroo on the unsuspecting public. You know that people will be so entranced looking at our fetching and ample bosoms that they won't notice that the rest of our body looks like a hot air balloon.

For the love of all mankind.......please stop the insidious V-neck invasion. Only you can prevent V-necks.

omar said...

Show of hands of those who don't know what a tankini is? I'm afraid to do a Google image search at work.

Perhaps this isn't the best forum for me to say this, but I'm so glad I'm not female. The less options, the better.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I remember this post. I remember crying because they published the picture of me in the pirate swimsuit and that you made fun of my necklace. I can't help it. They made me wear it.

(sniff) I thought we were friends.

SoDak Angel said...

giggling...still giggling. I do the tankini top, and shorts, or skirty thing...I'm good with it. I am just over it....the thing is...I always know I won't look the best at the pool....(beautiful young lifeguards...you too will one day not look perfect in a suit) but, most often I am not the worst looking. Which is not to say there is a bunch of fatty's to make me look good....but, my suit is clean, and fits....it is not see through...etc...etc. We all need to come to terms with our hotness, that's all.

Jean Knee said...

Yes this is a post most ot us can relate to . even if you are thin why would you want to wear anything where you booty hangs out/

Her's what I do, buy a regular one piece bathing suit, get a sarong and knot it at the front. Then never take it off, it becomes part of the suit without being a frumpy skirt. and you are covered

aubrey said...

i like the style tip that annie's sister gave last week of wearing a coverup to the beach this year. so wear whatever bathing suit you have underneath, but buy a cute, flowy coverup.

Physcokity said...

Slightly self-conscious about my own upper thighs, the rule I tend to follow is never wear anything wider than it is long, on the hanger that is....