Time for flowers, bunnies, new clothes, and...
Amish Friendship Bread.
"Nooo!"
Yes, that's right. It's time for that big bag of glop to be handed out like chocolate. Except, I'd rather have chocolate.
Let's get serious for a minute.
All I really want to know is, why? WHY?
If you are really my friend, give me bread that's already made. (Preferably chocolate mint, but, you know, whatever.)
Don't give me a bag of goop that has to sit on my counter for 10 days.
Let me just say this...
"Ooh Carrot! Did you make that??"
Oh yes, I did.
You can grab it for your blog.
Anyhoo, why did this catch on, and why are people still doing it that aren't even Amish??
People! Amish women have nothing better to do! No radios, no televisions, no soccer games to go to, no! They have time to sit and watch bags of goop for 10 days.
If I want to make bread, I do, and it only takes me an hour and a half from start to finish! Don't deliver me a bag and a smile. It's not nice!
"Carrot, I don't even know what you're talking about!"
Well, let's have a look at the directions, shall we?
Don't let the flowers fool you into thinking it's something nice.
Here we go,
"Day 1: Do nothing." Let it sit there. Look at it, cradle it gently in your arms, or pet it softly. Don't do any housework either. Hey, it says "Do nothing."
"Day 2 thru 4: Stir starter with a spoon. For TWO days." Just sit there and stir. Don't even change your clothes. You've got nothing better to do, right?
"Day 5: Stir in 1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar, and 1 cup milk..."
zzzzzzz...huh? what?
I guess I fell asleep after the 2 day stirring fest.
"Day 6 thru 9: Stir only." Don't look at it, don't smell it, beat it, throw it, or put it in the trash. STIR ONLY! Wait, what's the "only"?
"Day 10:..." Go take a shower. Seriously.
Brush your teeth while you're at it.
You're about to work, ya lazy bum.
"Day 10: In a non-metal bowl combine 1 cup flour, 1 cup sugar, and 1 cup milk..."
"Milk? It looks like milk!"
Um, don't ask me.
"Add the starter and stir thoroughly with a non-metal spoon..." (if you already stirred it with the metal spoon, you are in trouble. Don't tell your "friend" you messed it up. Just "accidentally" throw it in the trash.)
"Pour 4-1 cup measurements into 4 different gallon Ziploc bags and give to friends along with this recipe. and your favorite Amish Friendship Bread recipe"
You do have one, don't you?
WAIT A MINUTE!
Did they just trick us into making bags for our friends?
AH! It's like a bread chain letter!
STOP!
Oh no, I'm not going to spread this like a bad virus!
The bread stops here.
Just forget this whole thing.
In the time it takes to make this, you could have baked and eaten 20 loaves of pumpkin or banana bread.
Hmmm, maybe that's why Amish women are so skinny.
43 comments:
Are you still irked about that chocolate chip cookie recipe and ingredients that I gave you?
A friend (or should that be "friend"?) once gave me that. Let's just say the buck stopped with me, yet again.
Suzanne, no. It went away with the 20lb bag of chocolate chips you gave me. All is forgiven ;)
Red, good for you.
Will I be shunned if I admit that I don't like the taste of the friendship bread. Well, I don't. I throw the bags away and never say a word about it or my kids make it and eat it. Not me. It's too yucky for me.
I ate the stuff (baked, not the goo) for the first time last year at my MIL's. Delish. So I asked her for some starter, not knowing the depths of involvement it would take. My SIL gave me a copy of her instructions becaue MIL lost hers. Except she left out a step. It was a complete and utter waste of my time. I just make coffee cake from a muffin box mix now.
My girls are all dancing and loving your music right now. My boys just ran screaming from the room. My boys have no taste.
Amen sister!
I love this post. Not really a friendship bread person, either.
Love the taste of the bread, hate the process. So, no starters for me either.
I've been told its really really yummy but the process totally disgusts me. All that milk just sitting there on the counter for days and then its divided and sits on other counters for days and so on. Just sick. I'll just make my super yummy hour and a half bread too thankyouverymuch.
Thanks again for the great service you do for the public.
I love your philanthropic side.
Oh, and did I say, "Amen!"
We don't talk about those starters around here--my hubby put his in the oven because it was a little too cool in the house. Well, the next morning there was starter all over in the oven ; (((((
Never heard of this.
Never tasted it.
So, I should count my blessings, yes?
I wish I would have known how nasty this bread was before I wasted 10 days of my life, ingredients, counter space and zip bags. However, all of my sisters neighbors are Amish, and she loves the stuff. Maybe they have a different recipe. Or maybe my sister just likes fermented bread. Who knows.
I have never even heard about the mystery that is friendship bread! Heck...I have a friendship with any bread. Yes...I am in love with carbs.
Waiting ten days for bread is nothing to these people. You think this is bad - you should read the Amish Christmas fruitcake recipe.
yeah, we made that at mutual and they said we were supposed to give it to our friends, yeah right.
hey, to show how much I value our friendship, here's some amish friendship bread, yep, that's your birthday present.
@Shawn: You are indeed blessed!
Don't screw it up. Say no to the Amish bread.
My SIL gave me a starter once. I gave up after an hour. Too much work,I like my food to be done quickly.
I laughed all the way through your post. Made this stuff once...just once.
Amish women are only skinny because it takes a lot of upper body strength to tie up all that hair and then secure it in a bonnet.
They keep themselves looking good in case Harrison Ford comes around looking for sultry little Amish vixens to star in Witness 2.
Sister Esther is a Jezebel hussy. I saw her stuffing her pantaloons with bags of friendship bread to give her rear end the supple, rounded appearance of a J. Lo booty. Shameless.
So, I got one of these once. After I read the instructions I was so grossed out by the thought that there was milk included, and that some fraction of the milk had been sitting on some unknown amount of someone else's counter tops for 10 days each. (Did that sentence make sense??) Anyway, it just made me sick to not know how many times this chain had gone on and how old the milk in the bag was by the time it got to me. Yuck. So, yeah, I didn't pass it on either.
Lauren has no idea that one of those disgusting bags came to our house, because I promptly threw it away.
Shun the Friendship Bread!
i would rather have an all-meme blog than have anything to do with that vile friendship bread. seriously...is no one seriously alarmed that they put MILK in a PLASTIC BAG and let it sit on their counter for days on end, reacting and blossoming with who knows what else is in there?
just me?
I don't understand the metal bowl/spoon part...and I've always been curious.
I kinda like it after it's done...but yeah, I don't want to do it.
My name is calamity, I made the bread, I liked the bread (found some yummy ways to tweak it on the internet - use pudding) I put it in the bags and - kept them for myself, and next made the whole batch for me.
I have felt guilty for awhile, knowing that she who passed it on was hoping that a part of her would be moving on through out our neighborhood. I thanked her, and then betrayed her,
Reading your blog, I am beginning to think I am a better friend than I thought.
Do I get absolved from the guilt I wear when I don't pass on the family home evening fantom? the Secret Santa? the Easter bunny fantom, the Leprechaun phantom? I usually take the note off, eat the treats, stick that pic on the door, and feel guilty for the rest of the holiday season. (not guilty enough to bake however)
Oh the Amish friendship bread...I killed it.
tastes good, but it's like a huge guilt trip!
Did you make it?
no, I killed it.
Oh really, how?
Who cares, it's dead and I did not pass it on.
Here's what I do...I just skip to the end and make a loaf of bread for my family and don't share with anyone.
I don't even feel guilty.
I know, I'm a nonfriendly nonamish girl eating yummy bread.
Funny! Just this morning I was eating banana bread and thought of Amish friendship bread. I enjoy eating it, but I don't like the process of making it. The last time I think I let is sit for about a week longer than it said. It still tasted fine, just extra fermented!
ps. I got the most interesting piece of mail today. It was open at the bottom and stamped, "screened by senate post office". Inside was a cute litte valentine from Carrot. It only took a month to get here. Very strange! Thanks, a month late. :)
If you are my friend you'll never send me an Amish friendship bread starter kit.
I am very secure in our friendship so why push it?
OH THE HORROR!!!!!! Why would anyone invent something so vile and wicked?????
sorry for your loss
I
you.
And this post too.
It is second only to...no, it might beat...oh, I can't tell. I love it.
I can't believe this is still around. I got my first bag 15 years ago. I wonder if it is the same starter. You crack me up. Love your background.
ok ,, this is way easier..and more fun..
take a large bottle of grape juice...
add 2 lbs of sugar...
add two pkgs of yeast..
pour into very very large wine bottle..
cover top and shake.. shake it well.. there ya go..mix it up...
ok.. remove cap... cover top with a very large balloon,, rubber.. whatever... no really.. a rubber works great..(no not that rubber.. go get an unused one)) geeze people..
set it in the garage for 10 weeks..
open.. and drink... yea.. no work.. big buzz....
I have a theory that NO ONE makes it. It is the same bag and everyone passes it along.
Would you like some friendship bread? Oh! Of course I would! (I will really give it to the next person I see)
If someone DID open the bag, it would morph into a giant yeasty beast that would take over a small city. Don't open the bag Carrot.
Maybe I have been reading too much sci-fi lately...
I also have a very strong suspicion that Amish women do not use gallon Ziplock bags.
Are people still making Amish bread? That needs to stop.
I'm with you just drop of some banana bread on my door and call it good.
But to leave a bunch of dough on my door say, "When you don't care enough to send the very best, send Amish Friendship Bread"
Thank you for putting into words so clearly what many of us LOOOOOOATE about the fricking Amish friendship mixer-of-horror that we receive.
I was just given some recently and I did just put it straight in the trash. Sure - there was a lot of guilt - but I know the gig now and I cannot commit that much time to anything that is not alive. Besides, it's not that tasty - it's a crapload of work - and really, we all should be staying away from Amish carbs. I'm pretty sure that's what The Zone Diet is all about.
Friends don't give friends friendship bread. I'm just saying.
Where did your archives go? I thought that little box was just a joke.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you for that linky to the lady who teaches you how to save $. I now read 3 blogs like that and I have learned a ton.
Thanks Carrot!
(Hold the Amish bread though)
So, let me get this straght: Not one single person will be bringing Amish Friendship Bread Starter to the Blog Retreat this summer, right?
I've gotten this once or twice and always forget to use it and it rots.
I don't think Amish ladies have time for this. We live not too far from an Amish community, and they're constantly working! When you have to scrub laundry by hand, who has time to remember friendship bread?
Word verif: "brobeast".
Interesting.
Oh, thank you, Carrot!!! And just in time for my county's fair!!!
You're too young to remember that fermented fruit crap starter stuff. Got many a housewife started on the "sauce".
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