Monday, August 04, 2014

Dear People of Utah,

When you say you want to talk about your "fillings",
I think you mean these...

and I am confused.
Then I remember, you have an accent,
and you probably mean these...

When you say, "Who will fix our mills?"
I wonder when you bought a mill, and when it broke.
Is it a hand mill? A wind mill? A sawdust mill?
And when you talk about eating a mill,
at first, I am always shocked.
What kind of person eats a mill?
Even a little hand mill would be hard to digest.


I shake my head in amazement.
Then I remember, you have an accent,
and you probably mean this...

When you ask if something is fake or "rill",
I wonder what the heck you are talking about.
Why would something either be fake, or a stream?

Then I realize you are asking if something is
a copy or an original, but with an accent.

And then I wonder if you even realize
(that would be "rill-ize" to you)
that you've been pronouncing things wrong.
Prolly not. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I've got friends in low places . . .

Word must have gotten around that I wanted to have a girls night out. I mean really gotten out, because I received an e-mail from a total stranger inviting me to go out with her friends. Weird, eh?

"Melanie" send me the following message (which went to my spam - idk why):

"Sarah and Suzy want a threesome with you tonight!"

and I'm  all "Well, It's kind of short notice,
I'll have to check my calendar . . ."

she continued . . .

"They've seen your profile and decided to message you."

and I'm like, "Hey, they must be Facebook friends of mine. I keep forgetting to check my private messages. Oops! Embarassing. Hope they haven't been waiting too long."

so then she asks a favor . . .  

"Go here to see their profiles and chat with them right now"

(and I would put in the link, but I think they sent the wrong pictures. Awkward!)

and then a couple questions . . .

"When is the most recent time you tried a one night stand or a threesome?"

and I'm all "What in the hay? Who uses more than one night stand?? Is that a new trend? You can't fit all your stuff on one, so you put two together? Weird. I'll have to try that out. Hmmm....threesome? If I tried to fit three nightstands on the side of my bed, I would have to dive on from the foot of the bed to go to sleep at night. No thanks.

I continue reading . . .

"The ladies you are about to meet here only want threesomes or one night stands !"

Wow. Talk about selective!  Well I only like ladies that are kind and accept me for who I am. Rude.

she ends with . . .

"If you're interested, perhaps you should definitely check'em out ... you will NEVER be single again.
Go here to enjoy a one night stand with two hotties, tonight !"

and I say to myself "Perhaps I should . . .NOT! Any ladies who only allow people with more than one nightstand to be their friends are friends I don't want.

So there.

There is a reason these things go to my spam box.
To help me choose good friends.  

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

(Out of the vault - for a limited time only!) Lost in translation II

I heard this song the other day, it reminded me of this. . . 

I've recieved zero many cards and letters
thanking me for this post,
and no many requests to translate other Michael McDonald songs.
Sure, they're fun to listen to, but what IS he singing?
Well, I've been given a gift, my friends.
The gift of a listening ear.
I can hear what no others can.
Oh yes, I heard you not leaving a comment the other day.
You don't exactly tip toe in here.
Shame on you.
because I've got nothing else to blog about
by popular demand,
here is his hit song,
"Mint By Mint"
translated by:
Oh wait, I didn't translate the chorus,
because I'm pretty sure everyone knows it.
Hint: It's the same as the title.

Heh don’t worry I’ve been lied to
I been pith many times befo’
Girl don’t you wor
I wah sah
I don’t need this love
I don’t need your lah
I don’t un co tuh
Crepe and you be gone
I must be prepare
Any time to carry on
Heh bay
I be holdin’ on
Oh yes I will now
I be holdin’ on
Hugh'd stay just you watch me darling
Wend away those lies from you
Case up ahead
Nirrored on the run
Take it off of me
Like you’re the only one
Livin’ on mah own
Sometime that’s alright
You think I’m your fool baby
You may just be right
I be holdin’ on
a ya name now baby
I be holdin’ on
I be holdin’ on
Hind your name
I be gone
You be shaman
I wahn be there
Just my lie
Your re-al eye
You just fine your lie with somewhere
You just fay your lie
With someone
I be holdin’ on
Yeah he now
I be holdin’ on
Girl don’t be on me
Yeah baby
I be holdin’ on
Lie low now baby
I be holdin’ on
Yeah baby
Yeah baby

Now, print this, and stick it on your dashboard.
The next time it comes on the radio, you'll be ready to sing along!
You can thank me later.
Or right now by leaving a comment.
Whichever you choose.
I accept cash donations too.
It's hard work listening to his songs over and over again.

Sunday, November 03, 2013

You, Light Up My Life...or parts of it.

This is available on Ebay right now...

I'm only sharing this because I already have one.*

Here's the link

You never know what you'll find when you're searching for LEGOs

*No, not really.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Life's candy, and the sun's a ball of butter...

I tried to soften two cups of butter in the microwave
today. I forgot about it and it melted instead.
I went to grab it out and saw
that my microwave message said,
"Enjoy your meal..."
So I grabbed a straw and enjoyed my meal.*
If live gives you melted butter,
and your microwave tells you to enjoy it,


*Not really

Tuesday, October 22, 2013